In Treatment
by Paige Turner Writes
Summary: Olivia begins therapy to help her find a way to get Alex back, now that she is back with SVU. Flashbacks from present session, to memories of their relationship past. A/O. Femslash. Please R&R. Posted first three chapters as one. Enjoy.


Part One

"Her legs." She said with a smirk.

"Her legs?"

"You seem surprised." The detective said leaning down elbows on her knees, crooked grin on her face.

"I don't know after all our talks, everything you've told me about her…I guess I just expected something more sentimental, less sexual."

"We'd never had made it to sentimental without sexual doc."

"No?"

"No, no way. And even then it took years for the sexual tension to finally come to a head."

"Tell me about it."

"About what?" Olivia wasn't sure how any of this was going to help her get Alex back.

"About when the tension finally came to a head." The doctor had dealt with her share of hard headed clients but Olivia definitely one of the toughest to get going.

"Excuse me?"

"Olivia if you want my help in moving forward with Alex, you're going to have to go back and fill me in on how you got to where you are."

Olivia sat for a moment, looking the doctor up and down. She was a nice woman early fifties she guessed, though her wardrobe made her look younger. Olivia couldn't peg her, she'd never been the best at determining sexual preference at a glance, but she had been curious since she first began her sessions. Since Alex was suddenly back, really back.

Olivia raised an eyebrow and asked. "You just looking for a guided tour of Lezville doc?"

"I'm surprised Olivia, not only are you a lesbian, but you're also a detective. To answer your real question, you aren't going to shock me. I've got to be mayor of Lezville by now. Isn't that why you came here, because I specialize in homosexual relationship counseling? "

Olivia blushed knowing she had been busted.

"Ok, where do I start?"

"I find the beginning is normally a good place."

"Right." Olivia sat back and searched her memory. "Well we had just wrapped up a crazy case, heart breaking. Cheryl Avery, a Transgendered woman was now in prison and Alex put her there. It was awful, Alex felt so guilty. She just sent a woman into a mans prison and everything you would expect to happen to her did."

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_"Alex it's not your fault." Olivia said placing a hand on her back._

_"Who's is it then?" Alex snapped _

_"You did everything you could, the system failed Cheryl, not you."_

_"The system is supposed to protect people. I am supposed to protect people." Alex sighed. _

_"The system sucks Alex, it isn't your fault."_

_"If Cheryl dies, I will never forgive myself."_

_"She's not going to die Alex, and even if...and if she does you'll have to forgive yourself because you did all you could for her, you did your job."_

_"You saw her Olivia, how will she survive that. How?" Alex turned to Olivia and began to sob, taking a step forward she lay her head on Olivia's shoulder and released her pain._

_Olivia wrapped her arms around the normally head strong, composed lawyer. Vulnerable was never a word that sprang to mind when describing Alexandra Cabot but in this moment that was exactly the word she would use. Normally Olivia did her best to avoid any physical contact with the blond, as she had found no effective way to keep her body from reacting to the beautiful woman who was currently in her arms. It was no different now in this moment, as she held the sobbing lawyer she could feel her heart rate climbing, her head start spinning, and her skin tingling with anticipation._

_Olivia wasn't sure how much time had passed but it had been long enough to get lost in thought. As she felt Alex begin to pull away she instinctually pulled back for a moment but quickly realized she should let go. Alex took a step back and looked at the detective as if she was seeing her for the first time. She studied Olivia's face eyes never leaving hers, she wondered how she never noticed how impossibly piercing they were._

_A thin hand moved up the back of Olivia's black leather jacket and found it's way past her shoulder and to her cheek. For a moment they both stood unable to move gauging the other for a reaction, plotting their next move._

_Just as Olivia opened her mouth to speak again, Alex took the words from her mouth with her own. Finally the undeniable was no longer pushed deep down in the back of their collective minds but rather racing to the forefront taking it's place where, from the feel of the moment it had always belonged._

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"And that was it. Everything was different from then on."

"Different good, different bad?"

"Both. The time following that first kiss was heaven and hell. Everything intensified."

"How so?"

"Well for starters, we were in uncharted waters for both of us."

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_"Come in." Alex called answering the knock at her office door._

_Olivia came in and shut the door behind her looking the attorney up and down. "Hey." She said causing Alex to jump even though she knew Olivia was in the room she was startled. Alex had found that she was unsure of how to act around the detective since in a moment of weakness she found herself engaging in an impromptu make out session with her weeks before and more than that enjoying the contact more than she could have possibly imagined._

_"Detective." Alex said with a nod._

_"Detective, Alex?" Olivia was growing tired of the cat and mouse game the attorney had been playing since the night she thought everything had changed. _

_"What?" Alex asked straightening her suit and taking a seat behind her desk, the more obstacles between them the better she thought._

_"Just a little formal don't you think?" Olivia said sitting opposite her, telling herself this would be the last shot Alex would get to end this game and take a chance with her. _

_"Olivia we're at work." Alex reminded the detective. _

_"Much better." Olivia said with a smile."Can I take you to lunch?"_

_"Oh,...well, actually. I wish you would have called Olivia you wouldn't have had to come all the way down here. I can't have lunch I am swamped today I'll probably just hit up the vending machines later." Alex said not looking up from her case files._

_"You've used that one already." Olivia said standing up and walking towards the door._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"That excuse, you've used it before. You've also used waiting for an important call, client meeting, judges chambers, picking up the dry cleaning...Alex why don't you just tell me you can't because you have to wash your hair and we'll be done with it."_

_"I'm sorry Olivia I have been very busy and I resent the implication."_

_"Yeah, I'm sure you do." Olivia said as she walked out the door._

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"So she avoided you."

"Completely, for what seemed like forever. She always had a reason. Finally I just stopped trying, what could I do? I figured she was writing it off as a terrible mistake, a confused moment. It broke my heart, because there was nothing confusing about that moment to me."

"So what did you do?"

"I avoided it too, eventually I put it away, all of it my feelings everything, I just put it all away." Olivia admitted.

"How long did that last?"

"Until she came back around."

"What happened?"

"I had a bad day." Olivia smiled, at the thought.

"You're smiling, I thought you said it was a bad day."

"It was a bad day, awful in fact, but it was also the day that Alex changed everything."

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_Olivia slammed her locker shut and kicked the one below it. Elliot looked on from his desk. She could feel his eyes on her, and felt her blood start to boil, she knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it._

_"Save it Elliot." She said before he had a chance to speak._

_"I didn't say a word." Elliot said stacking papers at his desk. _

_"But you wanted to and I don't want to hear it." She said slamming herself into her chair. _

_"Then you won't."_

_"Fuck!" Olivia yelled._

_Alex Cabot entered the squad room just as Olivia yelled. She knew Olivia would be upset by the verdict but there wasn't a lot she could do, they just didn't have enough damning evidence. If she had been on the jury she wasn't positive she could have come back with a guilty verdict either._

_"I'm sorry." Alex said walking over to Olivia wanting to comfort her._

_"Tell that to that little girls mom." Olivia said grabbing her coat off the back of the chair and storming towards the elevator._

_"Where are you going?" Alex called._

_"For a walk." Olivia replied as the elevator doors shut behind her._

_"It's pouring!" Alex managed to get out before they shut completely._

_An hour later when she there was still no sign of Olivia Alex went to look for her. She found her 10 blocks away sitting on a courtyard bench, soaked to the bone._

_"You're going to catch your death out here like this Olivia."_

_Olivia said nothing._

_"I'm sorry Olivia, there was nothing else I could do without more evidence..." Alex trailed off. Olivia didn't move a muscle. "Olivia I'm sorry!"_

_"For what? You said it yourself we didn't have enough evidence, that's not your fault it's mine."_

_"I'm still sorry." Alex said sympathetic. _

_"Why?" Olivia's tone was hostile._

_"I'm sorry I didn't…, I'm sorry I pushed you away." Alex said with a shiver. _

_Olivia laughed._

_"You think that is what this is about?"_

_"Maybe, at least a little. I don't know Olivia you tell me."_

_"Don't think so highly of yourself Alex."_

_Alex's chin hit her chest, she found herself profoundly hurt by the comment._

_"You're right, how silly of me. I guess I thought you felt something too."_

_"Too?! Too?! Look at us Alex. Would you, this is the first time you have talked to me about something other than work since then. Too...yeah I felt something, I went after it. You're the one who cast ME off."_

_"I know. I'm sorry, I just...I don't know how to do this."_

_"It's ok Alex, no one is going to make you, least of all me." _

_"I don't know how to do this Olivia, that doesn't mean I don't want to."_

"_Now, now you want to. Now that I'm a mess and you can be the hero. You can make the grand gesture and come and save me. Is that what this is about? You couldn't stand that you needed someone, even if it was just for that night, you needed someone. Alex Cabot doesn't need saving, is that it? Guess what Alex, you aren't the only that doesn't need saving. You can't save me either."_

_"It doesn't mean I don't want to Olivia." Alex dropped her umbrella and let the rain pour over her. "I'm sorry. This is the grand gesture Olivia, there isn't going to be another. I'm standing here, in the pouring rain, asking you to please forgive me."_

_"You're going to freeze to death." Olivia responded from her bench._

_"Then I freeze to death, I'm not moving until you forgive me."_

_Alex's whole body was trembling, as much as Olivia wanted to punish her for pushing her away, there she was standing right there in the pouring rain._

_"Where can this possibly go?" Olivia asked._

"_I don't know. Where ever we want it to I guess." Alex's glasses were covered with rain, it was amazing she could see anything at all._

_"I'm no good at relationships." Olivia confessed._

_"We have so much in common." Alex said with a smile._

_"You can be a real pain in my ass sometimes." Olivia said with a chuckle._

_"We have so much in common." Alex repeated with a grin._

_Olivia took Alex by the hand and led her away from the park, down and alley to an overhang behind a laundry mat where warm air blew from the vents._

_"What are you doing?" Alex asked._

_"It's warm isn't it?" Olivia asked._

_"Yes."_

_"And back here, I can do this." Olivia kissed Alex for the second time since they had met, and for the second time since they met, everything had changed._

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"So you got back together."

"Well together at least, I don't think you can be 'back together' without being together first. It was complicated and crazy but we were happy."

"Complicated how?"

"Well for one thing, we worked together. Add to that I only had a toe out of the closet, close friends and a few people at work knew but that was it. And if I was barely out of the closet Alex hadn't even touched the handle yet. Neither of us was sure she ever would, we didn't think a lot about what was to come, what was to be. We just were. There was a lot to work out but, it didn't matter really. We were happy."

"So let me ask you this, you have lead me to believe you had other relationships with women in the past is this correct?"

"Yes."

"And Alex?"

"No, never. Alex is a WASP, the thought never really crossed her mind according to her until she met me. Part of me really wants to believe that and the other part knows it is probably just flattery."

"So I would imagine it was difficult for her at first, was it not?"

"In ways yes, in others no. She was a quick study if that's what you're after." Olivia said with a crooked grin.

"Not exactly what I was after but we will get in to that next time. We're out of time for today."

"Really, but what do I do? I still don't know how to get her back."

"Olivia, it's not going to happen over night. Right now she needs you to be her friend. Don't push. Just like getting her back, if that is what she even wants. We're not going to get to a solution in one session. We'll talk about it more next time."

Session 2

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"Ok Olivia. The last time we talked we were discussing the initial difficulty Alex found in her first same sex relationship. So it was, difficult at first, yes?"

"Yes, which is why we moved slowly, one thing at a time you know. A dinner here and there, lunch if we were working together that day."

"You say you moved slowly, tell me about her reaction to a physical relationship."

Olivia shot her a questioning look.

"I need to know these things Olivia, I have to know what you went through before, to know how to get you through what you are going through now. Was she receptive to a physical relationship, or did she shy away? Did you propel the relationship forward or did she? Was she conflicted by your interesting situation or did she like the secrecy? It all speaks to how she viewed your relationship. I need to know it all to form a picture of your relationship."

"Ok, you know best. Our physical relationship moved slowly at times excruciatingly so. I kept the pace slow, I didn't want her to throw the brakes one day you know. Plus I was nervous."

"Nervous how?"

"The closer we got to crossing that threshold the more pressure I felt. I held a lot of responsibility in my hands. She had never been to bed with a woman, and I had never been to bed with a woman who I felt so much for. That sounds awful, but it is the truth. I think I didn't just put it off because it was the right thing to do, but also because our relationship changed enough. Sex changes everything."

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_It had been three months since that day in the rain. Three months of secret phone calls, stolen moments in elevators, offices, apartments. Keeping things between them under wraps was still even kind of fun on some level, but as with all fun things eventually there comes a need to step it up, and raise the stakes._

_Alex and Olivia had just returned from the gym one of the few places the women could go together and not feel like they were on parade, or would get found out. After a quick race up the stairs in Olivia's building they now found themselves collapsed on the couch. Olivia's body covering Alex's with her full weight upon her._

_"You ok?" Olivia asked taking a breath._

_"Mmmmhmmm." Alex hummed. _

_"I'm not crushing you?"_

_"No." Alex answered punctuating her statement with a kiss._

_It had been discussed briefly at best, that Alex had never been with a woman. Some people would find this concept exciting, Olivia found it to be overwhelming which is why to this point, they had never made it any farther than the couch._

_In this moment Olivia could feel the heat between them growing. She felt Alex's heart pounding in her chest. She was aware of every gasp of breath, every subtle moan, every movement of her hands. They all added up to this being the moment she had both been waiting for and completely terrified of. Just thinking about it threw off her concentration and it was obvious to both of them._

_"Olivia." Alex said._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Are you ok? You totally just zoned out. "_

_"What? I'm right here. Sorry I was just, I just got to thinking. I'm sorry. I'm here." Olivia tried to recover by intensifying her kisses._

_It worked for a while, and then she felt Alex's hands in uncharted territory, and her hips grinding in to her own from below. Alex's body was telling Olivia to make the move, to take the step they had been dancing around for weeks. _

_Olivia stood and offered a hand to Alex and led her to the bedroom. _

_As she lay back onto the bed and felt Olivia's weight cover her body, Alex became suddenly aware of the gravity of the situation she now found herself in. _

_Olivia's eyes met hers, asking her permission to proceed. Alex nodded slowly. Olivia could sense the hesitation in her lover that wasn't there back on the couch where things had been keeping a similar pace for months. _

"_Come on." Olivia said pulling Alex back up off the bed._

"_Where are we going?" Alex asked confused, worried that she had given Olivia the wrong signals. _

"_I don't know about you, but I worked up a sweat this morning at the gym. We're hitting the showers." Olivia said raising an eye brow. _

_Alex followed the detective into the small bathroom. Olivia reached in past the curtain and started the water before turning back to Alex and checking her eyes one last time for a reason to stop. Her eyes were nothing but blue and waiting for Olivia to take the lead. _

_She pulled her tank top up over her head, then removed her jogging pants, and briefs. Standing completely exposed in front of Alex, she didn't feel the slightest hint of embarrassment as she thought she might given their history, and their uncertain future. _

_Olivia reached out her hand and found the hem of Alex's top. Just as she began to lift she felt a hand on hers moving the opposite direction. _

"_Olivia." Alex objected. _

_Olivia let out a deep sigh._

"_I'm sorry, I thought…"_

"_I do…I do. I'm just…I've never done this before you know."_

"_You've never showered." Olivia asked trying to lighten the moment. _

_Alex looked sternly at the woman standing in front of her. _

"_I know." Olivia said understanding. "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for. I'm sorry when we were on the couch you just seemed like…"_

"_I did. I was. I just…wow…I…" Alex couldn't help but taking in every inch of Olivia's toned body before her. _

"_It's ok Alex really. I'm going to hit the showers. When I get out we can pretend this didn't happen. Really." Olivia stepped quickly into the shower, as her embarrassment grew so did her need to not be standing stark naked in front of a woman who was clearly not ready to move forward. A woman who might never be ready to move forward Olivia feared. _

_Olivia took her time showering. Spending the time going over the past few weeks in her head, was it all in her mind? Could Alex ever really be with her, the way she knew she could be with Alex? Olivia leaned forward and braced herself against the shower wall, letting the warm water pour over her aching head. The water pounded against her neck and top of her head drowning out the sounds of her own troubled mind, and the woman opening the shower curtain and stepping in behind her. _

"_Can I get under there?" Alex asked as casually as she could muster with her heart beating out of her chest. _

_Olivia smiled and stepped aside completely taken with the sight of the lawyer in what had to be her new favorite outfit. _

"_Naked suits you, more than those suits do." Olivia said also trying to keep her composure. _

_Alex allowed the water to wash over her wetting her hair and providing enough distraction to muster the courage to kiss Olivia. As their bare chests touched under the warm water, and mouths mingled in a kiss, Alex felt her knees go weak and momentarily lost her balance. _

"_Whoa, you ok there?" Olivia asked with a smile, firmly holding her around her waist. _

_Alex gave her reply in a trail of kisses around the brunettes neck, up her chin, settling on her lips._

"_Turn around." Olivia said placing a kiss on her temple. Alex felt her heart start to thump a million beats a minute in her chest, but she didn't move a muscle. _

_"Do you trust me?" Olivia whispered in her ear. _

_Alex turned slowly and faced away from the detective, warm water flowing over her front. Olivia brushed Alex's hair aside allowing access to her neck. She placed gentle kisses down the length, then over her shoulder. She raised her arm with her own and continued her kisses down her arm, past her elbow ending at her fingers. Olivia pressed her body firm against Alex's back, both to share the warmth and to intensify the pleasure. As her hands felt their way up and down Alex's fit torso, up over her breasts and down again, it was all she could do to keep her exploration slow and gentle. As her need grew it was harder and harder not to ravage the woman before her, if only to satisfy her own desires. _

_Olivia continued to tease with her touch and tempt with her kiss, until she was positive that Alex was relaxed and desperate for Olivia to make love to her. She turned off the water and turned Alex back around to face her and kissed her once more deeply on the mouth and pulled a towel from the rack and wrapped it around Alex, then took another for herself. She playfully shook her short dark hair causing Alex to squeal. _

"_What? You don't like my styling technique?" Olivia said with a smile. _

"_I love it." Alex said taking a fist full of Olivia's hair and pulling her back into a long kiss. "Olivia." She whispered in her ear. "I'm ready." _

_In an instant Alex was laying back on the bed, nothing but a thin towel between herself and Olivia. No longer were Olivia's eyes searching for permission, she knew Alex was hers as long as she wanted her, and she never wanted her more. Lifting her body with one hand she pulled away first her towel, then Alex's. As bare skin met over the full length of their bodies Alex let out a deep sigh, Olivia took it as a plea to stop the excruciating amount of teasing that had been taking place. _

_Olivia lifted herself up and the momentary loss of contact made Alex whimper in disapproval. The separation was not for long just long enough for Olivia to change her position. Lowering herself to her loves midsection lavishing it with warm kisses from her navel to her breasts and back again, hands tracing deliberately up and down the curves of her side. _

_After what seemed to Alex like an eternity Olivia changed her focus and her speed. She rolled off Alex and pulled her to meet her side to side face to face, kissing her deeply before allowing her fingers to finally find their way between them and to Alex's center. _

_Alex instinctively let her leg fall open wider allowing Olivia better access. As Olivia slipped herself inside Alex for the first time she knew there was no going back, at least not for her. A gentle moan escaped Alex as Olivia slid her fingers, in and out and over her lover. As quickly as she rolled them to their sides Olivia rolled Alex back to her back and lowered herself between the blonde's legs. Never loosing contact with her hand she paused only a moment locking eyes with Alex before lowering her head and placing a kiss just below her navel and proceeding to her intended destination. _

_A sharp intake of air, almost a gasp told Olivia that she was pleasing her lover. Delicate hands gently gripping at her short hair told her, Alex was a woman on the verge, gently pulling her closer to her, urging her deeper. It was when the world went silent from the pressure of Alex's thighs closing tightly against her head Olivia knew, it wouldn't be long before Alex finally let herself go. As she predicted it was but moments after the sounds of the apartment muffled that she felt Alex's body tighten and her hair being pulled with force. Muffled expletives filled the room as Alex tried to silence herself with her own arm, but despite her best efforts and her vice-grip thighs, Olivia not only heard but reveled in the uncharacteristic display. _

_Olivia rose to meet Alex in a crushing kiss, before Alex went completely limp with contentment. _

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"And that's how it happened."

"So she _was_ reluctant at first."

"At first, but aren't we all? I think it is awkward at the start of any relationship regardless of circumstance. Add in everything we had on our plates and yeah, there were moments of reluctance and awkwardness but there were also moments that I have never experienced with anyone else before."

"Like?"

"I don't know. Like, God I feel so silly saying this but like that excited feeling I got…get to this day when I see it is her calling. Like the secret signal she devised to mean 'I love you' when she couldn't say it because we were at work."

"So it got passed infatuation quickly, she was able to verbalize her love for you."

"It took some time but yes, she was at least back then."

Part Three

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"And you?"

"And me what?" Olivia asked honestly confused by the question.

"Were you able to verbalize it. Your affections for Alex, were you able to put those feelings in to words?"

Olivia paused and thought before answering.

"Talking about my feelings, as you may have guessed by now, has never been my strong suit." Olivia took a sip of water and sat back on the couch. She knew this place, she'd been here before when she was forced to see the department shrink after firing her service weapon. Also in talking with Huang over the years she'd come to this cross road, but she felt no one ever got it right.

"This is the part where we could go into how my mom was a fall down drunk and my father not just absent but a rapist. And the men my mother brought around weren't always the most...upstanding of choices. This is the part where we could go in to all of that, and you could tell me that it isn't my fault. You could tell me I am just a product of my surroundings and it is a wonder I am decent human being at all. This is THAT part, but if I am honest with you doc...I just don't think that is all that uncommon. People have to learn to protect themselves, ya know. I'm a guarded person for sure, years of training and experience have made me that way. I admit freely, that I have walls up. I have ways of protecting myself not just from the bad guys but from everyone, anyone who has the potential to hurt me.

I learned it when I was young and I was trained for it as an adult. The thing is, those walls, that guard, these defenses that I have, those are to keep the bad things out. To keep myself from losing it every time I walk on to a crime scene and see the things I see. To keep me safe when I am tracking down a suspect, or putting cuffs on a perp. Those walls keep out the bad things, not the good things. And I might not be the one who said it first, or most but Alex knew...knows...that I love her deeply. No walls could change that."

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_"Good morning." Alex said rolling over and kissing between Olivia's shoulder blades. Olivia groaned and buried her face in the pillow, Alex had come to learn that Olivia Benson was a lot of things, a morning person however was not one of them. _

_"Good morning." Alex said again in a sing song voice, this time snaking her hand to the opposite side of the sleeping detective and forcing her to roll on to her side. Her efforts were met with another deeper groan. Alex couldn't help but giggle at the tired detective and her awesomely messy morning hairdo. _

_"What's so funny?" Olivia asked taking the bait. _

_"You." Alex answered planting another kiss on her shoulder and hooking her chin over it. _

_"Oh?" Olivia asked rolling to her back looking at Alex for the first time that morning. _

_The spring sun shone brightly through the window filling the room and illuminated the beautiful honey tones in Olivia's skin. The gentle blond highlights in her hair glistened and her smile was no longer subtle across her face. _

_"Why am I so funny?" Olivia wondered out loud. _

_The sentiment sounded trite especially in the jaded lawyers head, but in this light she looked radiant. _

_"You're beautiful." Alex sighed touching Olivia's cheek. _

_"Well thank you." Olivia tried unsuccessfully tame her wild hair with her hand to no avail. "But how is that funny?" _

_"It isn't. Not even a little." She placed a tender kiss on Olivia's lips to punctuate her statement. "I love you." Alex said as she leaned back. As casually as she had said good morning, she spoke the words that she had been holding in for what seemed to her like a lifetime. _

_Olivia couldn't help but be stunned, it had been so long since anyone had said those words to her that she almost didn't know how to receive it. Olivia tried to speak but found when she did no words formed. She was taken back and for the first time in a long time, she was terrified. _

_"It's ok Liv." Alex said with a smile, knowing that her partner was not the kind to wear her heart on her sleeve. "I love you, no strings, no expectations, no..."_

_"Of course I love you." Olivia interrupted. "I just never thought you'd beat me to it."_

_Alex flopped back from her side onto her back and looked at the ceiling. _

_"If you say Ice Queen so help me, I'll take it back."_

_Olivia laughed. Something that most people didn't know about Alex was just how funny she was in private when the setting was deemed appropriate. _

_"You're not an Ice Queen. You are amazing and how'd I get so lucky as to have you love me, that is the surprise." Olivia explained. _

_"I love you." Alex said rolling into Olivia's arms and snuggling in to the crook of the arms she fit so perfectly. _

_"I love you too." There was a time when Olivia may have been able to tell you with shocking accuracy how many times she'd actually said those words. In this moment she felt that soon, there would no longer be a measure._

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"You love her." The doctor stated.

"Yes."

"After all this time, all the goings on of life, you still feel the same way?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"What?" Olivia asked offended.

"How, how do you know you still love her, how do you still love her at all? After all this time wouldn't it be fair to say you're in love with the idea of her, of what you once were? And that you don't know the Alex who you've got back anywhere near the way you knew the Alex who left? Olivia, Alex represents a time in your life that came quite late for you, a real love, a love you felt deeply. You told me yourself you never got attached to anyone the way you were attached to her. You admit freely that other than her, you've never told another person, man or woman in a romantic relationship that you love them. It has been years Olivia you are both different people now, isn't that fair to say?"

Olivia sat stunned at the doctor's observation. She assumed that since she was being paid she would also be on Olivia's side, she supposed now she was wrong.

"Time has passed. She has been through things that I will never be able to understand and I don't claim that I will. And so have I, I have been through hell and back over the last few years. You know how I got through every single awful moment in the last four years? Alex. Just knowing she was out there somewhere and that she was ok, the hope that maybe, a time would come when it would be safe for her back in my arms again."

"And Alex?"

"It's been hard, but what we had is still there I can feel it."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"No."

"Then how are you so sure." The doctor questioned.

"Haven't you ever been in love doc?" Olivia felt the burning in her eyes as she said the words.

"But she won't discuss it?"

"It's not a matter of will or won't it is a matter of being back at square one I think. Every move forward we made, time has moved us back. I am willing to take every single one again, that's why I am here. I need you to tell me how."

"I can't tell you how Olivia. I wasn't there before, and you know her better than I do. All I can tell you is, all you have to offer her is you. It is up to Alex if that is what she wants. Don't make any promises you can't keep, don't sell her any lines. Alex is a lawyer; you need to be clear, concise make your case. Let Alex be the judge for a change."

"How will I know she is ready?" Olivia asked.

"How did you know before?"

"I don't know it just happened. She made the first move, I was just along for the ride until then."

"And now?"

"She's not moving." Olivia looked past the doctor in her chair, through the window and out into the city.

"But you love her?"

"Yes."

"Then what is keeping you."

Olivia swallowed. Fear wasn't an emotion the detective often admitted to, but when it came to Alex the fact remained she often found she was terrified.

"Fear?" Asked the good doctor.

Olivia sighed.

"Afraid of what? Rejection? Afraid she's changed her mind? Moved on?"

"Yes, yes yes. Ok yes." Olivia stood and began to pace, walking over to the window. "I am afraid of all of that. You don't understand it may have only been a few hours that she was 'dead' before I knew the truth but you don't understand what I went through in those hours. You don't understand how I felt. It killed me. It almost ended me. She knew it would destroy me, that's why she broke all the rules. That's why she had Hammond call me and brought Elliot along; she knew I couldn't do it alone."

"What do you mean ended you?"

"I was destroyed. I was one step away when the phone rang."

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